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Resuscitate Conversation to Rescue Human Values

Is this conversing?

Is this conversing?

Recently, someone told me that his teenage son had a group of boys over to their home. They congregated in the basement. Each one was on a device. Texting, googling or gaming. “This is how they connect and interact,” he said. I was saddened.

In Sherry Turkle’s book, Alone Together, the MIT professor writes about how isolated we are in the midst of crowds because we don’t actually interact. We use means of communication, but we don’t actually communicate.

In Turkle’s latest book, Reclaiming Conversation: The Power Of Talk In A Digital Age, she laments the loss of open-ended, back and forth, face-to-face conversation. Conversation is more than connecting. With the decrease in conversation comes loss of empathy, pondering, introspection, and the ability to relate to others.

Texting and e-mailing are ways to avoid back and forth conversation. Conversation is scary for many. It’s unpredictable. What if you’re not quick on your feet? What if a question is asked that makes you uncomfortable? What if there is a pause? You can carefully prepare a text or email. You can’t prepare a two-way conversation that’s in real time since you don’t know how the other side will respond. That’s the beauty of back and forth conversation.

Some of my best conversations with my children took place on walks. We had time. We had no distractions. We had silence. We had time to think. Turkle points out that,  “Many young people [I’d add adults, too.] have never experienced unbroken conversations either at the dinner table or when they take a walk with friends.”

Studies were conducted of adults eating with children at fast food restaurants. The adults paid more attention to their phones than to the children. The result was that the children became either passive or belligerent. “We see children deprived not only of words, but of adults who will look them in the eye.” When adults talk less in front of children, the children learn to talk less. You have to hear conversation to converse.

One person I coach on presentation skills has her e-mail screen open and her cell phone handy when we get together. If an e-mail, call or text comes in, she responds immediately while I sit there. I’m sure she feels this multitasking is efficient, but actually her brain is going through a start-stop-start routine that is inefficient. Until I pointed this out, she was taking calls, answering e-mails, and texting during our meeting. And, she was paying me for my time!

Have you seen a table of people at a restaurant with their cell phones right next to their plates? Even if they are not taking calls or texting, they keep checking their phones to see if someone has called or texted them. That’s rude for starters. It sends the message that the text or call is more important than the person sitting right across from you. One of the finest feelings comes when someone gives you his or her full attention. What a rare gift!

If you ever go to conferences, you know that some of the best networking and relationship building goes on between sessions in the halls, trade shows, banquets and, in the case of women, in the restroom. Lately, I’ve noticed people on their devices instead of taking advantage of schmooze time with other attendees.

You may have noticed everyone walking around with a dowager’s hump as they look down at their phones. This downward glance means people aren’t looking at faces. If you don’t look at faces, you can’t tell what emotions are plastered there. You miss important cues. Turkle notes that in the “past twenty years, we’ve seen a 40% decline in empathy.” It’s in face-to-face conversation that we become most connected to each other.

Marsha, my friend of many years (we were in each other’s weddings), and I get together every few weeks for lunch. We schedule 1-½ hours. It doesn’t take that long to eat. We could catch up in minutes through email. We could catch up on the phone and we do. But, as we munch our Greek salads at Garbanzo’s (our restaurant), we hit every topic and emotion imaginable.

As I sit in Caribou Coffee writing this e-newsletter, everyone is on a device except for two women to my right. My right ear has picked up snippets of at least ten different subjects. People, recipes, trips, work, kids, politics. There is a phone on their table. A tad of security like a baby with his blanket. Not touching it, but relieved to know it’s near. I can only see one woman’s face. Her face is very animated and chock full of emotional clues. The other woman is giving the talker her full attention. Priceless!

Turkle is also concerned that our addiction to being in touch electronically at all times (some people sleep with their phones on their pillows), replaces introspection. We need time to think. We need to reflect. We need inner conversation. We even need to be bored. Yes, bored. Boredom can be the mother of creativity.

Turkle doesn’t suggest doing away with technological devices. She does suggest setting boundaries and restrictions at meetings, meals and family time. Turkle suggests awareness and intention.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to talk face-to-face with someone today. Make eye contact. Listen. Pause. Meander. You’ll learn something. You’ll connect. You’ll resuscitate conversation.

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